"Paradox" by Kim Halfhill
The first Christmas after Patrick and I were married, his parents showed up at our house for dinner one night with a flat, white box emblazoned with holly leaves. It was labeled “PAT’S CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS.” Inside, lovingly wrapped in an assortment of tissue paper, paper towels, and bubble wrap were Christmas ornaments that told the story of Patrick’s childhood. Each year, his parents gifted him and his younger brother with a special Christmas ornament that reflected their unique interests. (You won’t be surprised to hear that there were lots of football and baseball-related ornaments in that box!) When our sweet baby girl came along a couple of years later, we began this tradition with her. Each year she receives a Christmas ornament that represents a special memory from the year. Now, you can find cheetahs, puppies, and lots of blue sparkles nestled in the branches of our Christmas tree among Patrick’s childhood ornaments and some of my own.
Several weeks ago, I began my search for the perfect 2020 ornament. I wanted to find something that commemorated 2020 for being, well, 2020. It didn’t take long before I ran across an ornament with the Grinch sneering at me that read “2020 – STINK, STANK, STUNK.” Ha! That certainly has a ring of truth to it. But is that really how I want to commemorate this whole year? Stink, stank, stunk? To be clear, there was plenty of stink in our year. We’ve grieved the loss of dear family members, faced scary heath diagnoses of those we love, and been isolated from so many people we care about. And let’s not forget the frantic weeks of searching for toilet paper! It would be easy to dismiss 2020 and skip right ahead to the new year. Yet, there are some memories from this year that I want to savor, like unexpected time with family, or rediscovering simple joys like coffee on the porch with a friend, and finally producing a cucumber after 3 (yes, THREE) years of unsuccessful container gardening.
As we pause this week for Thanksgiving and then move into Advent, the paradox of 2020 is not lost on me. In the midst of grief and fear, there have been moments to celebrate and memories to cherish. Hope and disappointment, feelings I’m holding side by side. And honestly, I don’t quite know what to make of it all yet. In the meantime, I’ll keep searching for the perfect Christmas ornament while making this prayer my own.
God, all these contradictory feelings swirling around are rough on our souls.
Help us hold them all.
Help us remember in the middle of grief, we can still live.
In the middle of despair, we can still hope.
In the middle of chaos, peace is still possible.
In the middle of division, love still lives.
Give us courage to own our paradoxical story.
Help us remember yours.
From “A Weary World: Reflections for a Blue Christmas” by K. Escobar